Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > Please select from the following options menu:
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
>> > > Stay
>> > >
>> > > on the line so we can trace your call.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded
>> > > to
>> > >
>> > > the Mother Ship.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
>> > > will
>> > >
>> > > tell you which number to press.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
>> > > you
>> > >
>> > > press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
>> > > before
>> > >
>> > > the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
>> > >
>> > > short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
>> > >
>> > > loss, press 9.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are
>> > > too
>> > >
>> > > busy to talk with you.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the
>> > > fan,
>> > >
>> > > lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess
>> > > it
> up."